Content and Copywriting, Featured News, Opinion Pieces

16 things I want to say to blog spammers but can’t

May 30, 2013
Nobody wants to feast on blog spam.

Nobody wants to feast on blog spam.

First it was the companies who thought it was appropriate to write you lots of emails offering SEO because you blog about SEO. Now everyone would sincerely love to gum up your website with their junk blogs because you blog, too.

Yippee!

It’s a joy, isn’t it? Cracking open those emails of nonsensical offerings from free email accounts with the only hint of professionalism as the faint musk of buzzwords like “Penguin” or “SEO” or “media”.

Sometimes it makes me wish there was a “whack a mole” feature on my Inbox for those very occasions.

Trouble is, I have to remain professional (to a certain degree, I’m still writing this with un-brushed hair in a tracksuit and ugg boots). It’s really hard to bite your tongue when you’d rather say how you feel.

It would be so nice to comeback with:

  1. “NO! I don’t give a jatz cracker about the telemarketing services you sell!”
  2. “Does my blog look like somewhere people go to when seeking information about flipping balloon animals?”
  3. “Why would I want to carry a blog on recruitment from an agency that doesn’t get me work?”
  4. “Why yes, I’d love to carry your advertisement for the crappy product you sell…for free…in several places on my devoid of advertising website. I’d also love to offer you this free lesson in sarcasm detection as part of the package.”
  5. “That’s very generous of you offering to lighten the load for me by blogging about retirement on my site but…no, just, no.”
  6. “It’s one thing to say you thoroughly research your placements and have a targeted approach. It’s quite another to begin that very same email with Dear Sir/Madam.”
  7. “Quick question- can you go through the part where social media relates to the L.A. manufacturing scene? I’m a little confused.”
  8. “That’s very kind of you to offer a trial and information about your menopause products on my site, but I can assure you my crankiness has sod all to do with hormones and everything to do with your existence in my Inbox.”
  9. “Dear hotkitty69, you may very well have a big following and a very established blog, but I’m not entirely sure it’s the kind of following I want for mine.”
  10. “No, I don’t agree ‘Choosing an Efficient and Safe Smoke Smell Removal Remedy’ is good fit for my website.”
  11. “I think you are mistaken. My references to 5 minute experts on Twitter are because that’s a negative, not a lifestyle to aspire to and encourage in written form.”
  12. “I’m sorry, whenever someone says they’d like to write blogs about juggling the kids, my head goes straight to circus clowns.”
  13. “To be brutally honest, I’d rather pay you $14.99 a month to have LESS random bloggers sent to my site, not more.”
  14. “No, you’re right. I haven’t considered how much traffic a blog on seafood would drive to my site. Probably because I’m not an idiot.”
  15. “Was that a sentence or are you drunk?”
  16. “You sir, are a Muppet of epic proportions. Now get off my website before I unleash the hounds!”

More than anything, it proves what kinds of approaches work and what don’t when it comes to guest blogging.

SMART BLOGGERS

  • Speak in terms that appeal to a person, not from a pitch deck
  • Make sure they know the person running the blog and tailor the approach
  • Are able to show a benefit of working together, not just assuming they can spray their random blogs everywhere and people will be OK with it
  • Reciprocate the level of access to new audiences
  • Think about the blog they want to pitch in relation to the site

Idiot bloggers just get pulled out of the Deleted Box in my Outlook and re-read for comedy blog post value.

Which one do you want to be?

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  • Natalie McNee September 1, 2013 at 23:30

    Haha, this is an awesome post, it cracked me up! Thanks for that, Nat (from Copywriting group)

  • Ally July 9, 2013 at 14:17

    Haha! Thanks for the laugh!
    I’ve received a few of these lately. My favourite, that I have received twice, is from a babysitting website- I assume, from their name (obviously I’m not clicking the link):
    ’21 of the best blogs spotlighting avocado recipes’.
    Riveting stuff! Why stop at 21? Yes, of course I would love to share this with my readers- I’m sorry that I didn’t come up with the concept first. 🙂

    • admin August 24, 2013 at 16:19

      Hey Ally- glad you got a giggle out of it. I was being driven nuts by spammers and thought it may be good stress relief. Seems everyone who blogs gets these ridiculous approaches!

      Oh goodness. You’d give them points for trying if it weren’t so annoying.

  • Brook June 3, 2013 at 22:29

    You crack me up! When you figure out how to stop those ‘offers’, let me know….

    • admin June 4, 2013 at 09:18

      Thanks… I tried getting my dog to bark at them but…well…it didn’t work. I’m also deaf in one ear now.

      It was a good plan while it lasted.

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