Obnoxious social media boils my potato

Today appears to be rant day for most of my Facebook friends so I figure why the hell not join in? Here is my rant on why obnoxious social media boils my potato.

What is obnoxious social media?

Well, it’s the kind that hasn’t quite come to grips with the word “social” being in the title and is still standing up and screaming like traditional advertising, only worse. It’s trying to cajole you into bending to its will on a social level. It makes you want to punch yourself in frustration.

Here in no particular order are the most obnoxious forms you can find:

1. Like if you agree, share if you don’t: Or what? The social media intern gets it? Look guys, I appreciate a good call to action as much as the last marketer but stop bossing me around. It’s the business version of “share this so the baby duckling can get its tumour removed after being beaten up”.  Stop it. It’s ugly.
2. Hi, I saw on Twitter my competitor is frustrating you and I really think now is a great time to tell you why…: NO, it isn’t! Let me vent about said company without you associating yourself with them. I’m not in solution mode, I’m in angry hulk-consumer mode. Don’t make me drop a table on you!
3. You’ve waited 2 days for an answer, here’s one to a question you didn’t ask:  Yes Kogan, I am looking at you. Thank you for answering my questions with the answers meant for someone else. No wonder Gerry Harvey isn’t that worried. Muppets.
4. First I follow you, now I don’t: Please stop jumping up and down like a Meer cat on crack riding a pogo stick doing the twice daily follow/unfollow in some ridiculous attempt to shout “pick me, pick me!” If you want to follow me and want me to follow you, maybe send me a tweet introducing yourself or add something to a conversation. Follow/unfollow on repeat just gets me hitting another button- BLOCK.
5. DM weirdness: “Hi, I saw you across cyberspace and I want to try and sleaze up to sell you something…” or those bloody “verify me” messages mixed in with “someone’s saying naughty stuff about you” ring a bell? I treat DMs like a strange smell. I come armed with no desire to dig deep and with the tools to remove it quickly. My friends think I ignore them because of you. Get out of my social media inboxes.
6. Blank air: If you just want to fling your information like monkey poo around cyberspace but don’t even respond when some of it lands on me, I will object. If you don’t want responses, don’t start a conversation. This also (for some strange reason) applies to Australian women in business personalities. I won’t be buying a course at your writer’s school or donating to your charity because you don’t respond. Am I not chardonnay enough for you darling?  Get over yourselves.

How to Be Polite on Social Media

I will have a chin wag with you until the cows come home, I’ll retweet you and give you love long time if you:

a)      Talk about something more than just yourself

b)      Focus on inspiring me to action as oppose to demanding it from me

c)       Help me when I have a problem, check in after its solved

d)      Show empathy as opposed to some crappy sales pitch

e)      Be a little more human in how you approach our conversations

f)       When I empathise with you, respond back

g)      Leave the crazy at the cyberspace door

It really isn’t that hard to avoid steam coming from people’s ears on social media. Is it?